Vol. 1 Issue 2 SPAM The Official(Sort-Of) Newsletter Of The Spamian Movement Of The Discordian Society Editor In Chief And Founder Robert I. Brayer(The Punisher!) Impartial NON-SPAMIAN EDITOR: Nick Andros Within: A SPAMIAN PRAYER ---- EXORCISM OF A CABBAGE ---- COMMANDER CHAOS! ---- EXTRA- TWO RELIGIONS OF THE MONTHS! ---- And..MUCH MUCH MORE! Welcome to the SECOND Edition of The Spamian Newsletter- The first gained almost nothing but good and great comments so I have been encouraged to continue on, within we have added several new staff writers including Deadheads and Vlad The Impaler. Some of the features are extended/changed, we still don't have much of a regional feedback though, the first edition was sent out on the WWIVNet and as far as I have known has garnered little or no comments. This is sort of a "double issue", although it's not much bigger, it's like a May/June thing, mostly due to CERTAIN PEOPLE, SKIPPING DEADLINES.. But, everything is in now, and we can finally get this thing out. We are also proud to welcome Nick Andros to our ranks, Nick will provide, , a handy Non-Spamian, Objective viewpoint, as we always encourage here at THE SPAMIAN MOVEMENT. A letter was recently sent in, that, due to a clerical error we have lost. By Thunder though. The gist is suggestions, and we are happy to announce that these are being followed very much. For instance, starting, hopefully within the next issue, there will be three- YES THREE- Versions of this newsletter: 1) Straight Ascii- as we have now 2) ANSI- Online IBM Viewing. 3) VGA Loader, at the beginning neat text & effects with, hopefully a REALLY neato intro screen. The first two are almost definite, even the last is probable! Great. Now: AS ALWAYS: ADDRESS ALL ARTICLES TO THE PUNISHER OR EVEN TO ANOTHER SPAMIAN TO SEND TO ME! WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET, CURRENTLY WE HAVE MAYBE 2 ARTICLES TO WORK WITH TO START ISSUE 3, YOUR SUPPORT IN THIS VENTURE AND IN COMMANDER CHAOS IS NEEDED! Thank You! -The Management. ----------------------------------------------------------------- An Interview with Spam lite. By Nick Andros In recent past we only had spam. The food of the multitudes, Served upon plates along with scorching chinese food and luke warm runny eggs. The United States Army feeds it to it's troops, and it's troops sling it at enemies around the world. Spam is feed to students around the nation and is commonly mistaken from everything from Yul Brenner (actor) to hamburger meat. For the most part Spam has become and integral part of the american lifestyle. Spam was the past, present, and future of dining in america. Hence It was major news when Spam Lite made its first appearance. Lighter they claim however, chocked full of that wonderful taste texture and appearance as the original Spam with only half the calories and twice the preservatives! In the spirit of this new event the SPAMIAN NEWSLETTER has arranged an interview with a can of Spam and Spam Lite! REPORTER: What is Spam? Spam: No comment. REPORTER: Can it be said that Spam is a totally natural food product made from only the most wholesome and purified foods? Spam: No comment. Apparently the can of Spam on my desk is not interested in making any statements at this time. So we asked some questions of a can of Spam Lite. REPORTER: What makes you so different from Spam? Spam lite: No comment. REPORTER: Are you and can it be said that Spam lite is a totally natural food product made from only the most wholesome and purified of food products? Yet made from lighter material. Hence meat and animal byproducts made from lower caloried road kill? Spam Lite: No comment. Recently we contacted the manufactures of Spam and Spam Lite to ask them what the purpose of their product was and how it was made. They declined to comment and suggested we talk to a can of Spam or Spam Lite if we wished to know more. REPORTER: What is the purpose of Spam and Spam Light? Spam Lite: No comment. Spam: No comment. REPORTER: How exactly is Spam and Spam Light made? Spam Light: No comment. Spam: No comment. REPORTER: What is the purpose of Spam and or Spam light? Spam Lite: No comment. Spam: NO comment. ------------------------------------------------------------ Cthulhu Mythos THE RELIGION OF THE MONTH= MAY REPORT BY: Deadheads More than once it has been brought to my attention, of people muttering under there breath ,"For Now Our Religion's Damned." Up until about three months ago, I believed that the Cthulhu Mythos was just one of H.P. Lovecrafts inventions. This all changed. I was in Canada around Quebec, hiking in the mountains, when high above I heard a chanting. From what I could make out the chanting said,"IA! IA! CTHULHU FHTAGN!" I quickly recognized that from one of Lovecrafts stories. Why was it being said in such a chaotic manner was beyond me. I journeyed higher soon to discover a small cult. They had finished there sacrifice of a can of spam. It was horrid, spam all over. It was a misjustice to all. The cult members were singing a catchy tune called The Lair Of The Great Cthulhu, which I quickly learned the words to. It went like this: [Sung to the Chattanooga Choo-Choo] Pardon me boy - Is this the lair of Great Cthulhu? In the city of slime, Where it is night all the time. Bob Hope never went Along the road to Great Cthulhu, And Triple-A has no maps, And all the Tcho-tchos lay traps. You'll see an ancient sunken city where the angles are all wrong. You'll see the fourth dimension of you're there very long. Come to the conventicle. Bring along your pentacle; Otherwise you'll be dragged of by a tentacle. A mountain's in the middle, with a house on the peak: A gnashin' and a thrashin' and a clackin' of beak. Your soul will be lackin' When you see that mighty kraken. Oo-oo! Great Cthulhu's starting to speak. So come on aboard, Along the road to Great Cthulhu. Wen-di-gos and dholes Will make Big Macs of our souls. Under the sea, Down in the ancient city of R'lyeh, In the lair of Great Cthluhu, They'll suck your souls away! (Great Cthulhu, Great Cthluhu- Suck your soul! Great Cthluhu, Great Cthulhu) In the lair of Great Cthulhu, They'll suck your soul away. I realized then that they had a strong basis around this religion. I decided to access my computer, and I found plenty of information. The second time I tried to access information, the computer blurted out, "Future Nodes Or Reading Denied." I did have enough luckily to write this column. What I found out was this. Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones, could travel from planet to planet when the stars were right. Well they left Xoth (There planet) and traveled to Earth. When they got here the stars were not right, and they couldn't survive. The High Priest Cthlulhu cast a spell over a continent called R'lyeh. There Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones slept a deathless sleep. It was said that they would influence weak minds through dreams driving them insane. Once they were totally insane they would begin to worship Cthluhu, waiting for that one day when they would fulfill his wishes and raise him from his eternal sleep. Shifts in the moons rotation around the Earth caused R'lyeh to sink to the bottom of the ocean. There they wait. So if you ever have a bad dream, or a nightmare that just keeps reoccurring in your mind, remember Cthulhu. He is the one and only god. Well I gotta go for now, the Coven is meeting in 10 minutes and I can't miss the 6th annual Cthulhu Pot Luck dinner. Good food's there. So I hope this helps you in your conversion toward a worse life. See ya. Oh I almost forgot. Remember this, "Cthulhu Saves, in case he's hungry later." For all those voters out there WHY VOTE FOR THE LESSER EVIL CTHULHU '92 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Commander CHAOS- Column 2- The Revenge. Yeah, We're into sequels these days, Aliens 3, Lethal Weapon 3, and of course, COMMANDER CHAOS 2. I don't have much to say, so let's get going on this first letter- Dear Commander Chaos, Hey, Commander, I need some advice. There has been like too much work for me to do, and I am too stressed out to do all of it. Actually, I feel like not doing any of it, but that would like really lower my grades... Nemesis Dear Nemesis, There is help my son, first you must meditate upon a chicken's nostril for 30 days and 30 nights, then you must consult your pineal gland, at which point take a left on 436 till you come to the turnpike. Luv, Commander Chaos Dear Commander Chaos, Here, within, it needs be asked your opinion of the new product put out by Hormel--Spam Lite. Do you believe that this product is a degradation towards the most Holy Spam? Do you think that this product is inferior to the original, Goddess-given Spam? Do you judge it wise for us Spamians to indulge in the eating of, or purchasing of this product? For, I would not wish to anger the Goddess by partaking of a forbidden strain... and thereby, I ask for your advice, as you know the ways of the Goddess better than I... -A Concerned Spamian (Enduro) Dear Concerned, The Official SPAMIAN standpoint on SPAM LITE is actually rather unclear, The editor has been concerned with several other SPAMIAN issues as I recall, and has not made an official statement on it yet, as we can ascertain, beginner, or new SPAMIANS have been referred To Spam-Liteans. In my esteemed judgement, , I would recommend SPAM LITE as a back up product only, for conditions where SPAM is needed, but not available. I feel, that since we don't know an official standpoint, we should proceed to eat it, but cautiously, and only when we are lacking in SPAM. Luv, Commander Chaos Dear Commander Chaos, Do you think that Windows 3.1 is worth the upgrade? Thunder Dear Thunder, It all depends on your memory. If you have one megabyte of memory, then I would suggest a good salad, two megs, perhaps a doorknob, but for an actual window, or even windows, it is recommended you not only have 16 megs of memory, but a good strong stomach. Luv, Commander Chaos! And that's all for now, we got the full quotient right here, what you saw was all the letters we got! Now come on, we need a lot more then that to be a good column! You like my advice! Admit it! Please! Don't make me cry! Pleas- ----------------------------------------------------------------- And now a brief excerpt from the SPAMIAN CHARTER- The Kind-Of Scientific Method Purpose= To wreck havoc on cabbages.[And preps]. Through the most holy substance. [Spam]. Well, really, no purpose. Problem= Cabbages in general. Hypothesis= We can do it. Maybe. Sorta. Oh come on. Eat your SPAM like a good Christian boy! Observations= Spam is good. Eris is neato. Procedure= 1. Chaos-Causing 4. Do not pass Go -5. Remember The Maine. 37. Don't count past 10. 2. Continue beating egg whites for 30 seconds and microwave on HIGH for 30 minutes. Conclusion:Fnord. (Urp.) 'Scuse me. ----------------------------------------------------------------- SIBYLISM RELIGION OF THE MONTH= JUNE Report By: Vlad The Impaler: The object of Sibylism is to acquire the most mods in the Orlando area. The person to acquire the most mods takes over as the current Episkapose or in this case the Sibyl. Being the Sibyl, you must collect as many mods as possible before the pressure of your followers trying to beat you out causes you to have a mental breakdown and a strange love for sharp objects. When you are finally committed (and believe me you will be) the person with the second most mods inherits your collection, your home, your money, Aurora Australis AND SPECTRALink, the title Sibyl and the Studly Eric. As Sibyl you may not appear in public as someone may catch on to the running facade. Recently there was a shuffle of Sibyl's and the new one did not overdose on Prozac to boost her intelligence so that she make take in the vast amount of information generated by past Sibyl's. Unknowingly she contradicted herself several times and there was an uprising in the cult, Which was quickly checked by using her supreme femininity to seduce her followers. Followers of Sibyl are required to be male at the time they are recruited and though transvestites are acceptable they may not switch sexes until they become the current sibyl wherein it is required so that they may mate with the studly eric with the hopes of one day creating a prodigal son who will one day rule the world (ie. Hitler). This is not an easy task however.. The past 12 sibyls have been found to be sterile. Modern medical technology has not yet been able to do a COMPLETE sex change, but with the combined intelligence of the Studly eric (Otherwise known as Aquarius the 'C' King) and the current Sibyl (Whose IQ's together add up to an astonishing 132), who knows? Furthermore when a child is born it is required to be killed if A) It is Female B) Has an IQ of under 180 C) Is less than 3' tall or 32 pounds D) Cannot overtake The Current Sibyl and The Studly eric in melee' combat and Pinball E) Cannot take in 60 gallons of gasoline without blowing up. The survival of this child will be the end of Sibylism as we know it and the beginning of the 4th Reich, but that is next month. Other bonuses of being the Sibyl! 1) Get to use the Studly Eric as a pawn to justify your actions.. Example : He's my life raft and I'm drowning, he's my wrist and I'm his razor etc.. 2) Get to say 'Just wanted to say Hi' 3) Get to sleep 25 hours a day 4) Get to have complete mind control over your followers and 5) Get to help GRANDMA! As a follower, You are required to talk harshly of Sibyl behind her back and act as if nothing is wrong when you talk to either her or a fellow follower, go on a tangent once a month and tell her how unfair she is acting then quickly crumble under her supreme control, treat Sibyl nicely and worship her every step while aspiring to acquire as many mods as possible so that you may become the next Sibyl. However, Sibylism is not all just collecting mods, sometimes you'll have to take the time to actually install one as to suggest you know 'C'. Everytime you successfully install a mod you are awarded a star, which is carved on your wrist with an Xacto knife. Structure of the Holy Quadriology. Sibyl MOM Eric \ / / \ / \ = = GRANDMA MOM - Anything she says goes, the only one who can overrule the Sibyl. Thus she is placed on the top, to symbolize COMPLETE rule. GRANDMA - Has no real power, but can instill "fear of the MOM" into the Sibyl. She is placed on the bottom to reflect this. If the MOM is killed GRANDMA will NOT take over as MOM. The Studly Eric - "Right hand man" to the current Sibyl. What he suggests be done usually is carried out by the Sibyl. It is rumored that TSE actually runs the cult and uses Sibyl as a puppet, but this has not been proven.. Placed on the right side of the cross for Symbolization purposes. Sibyl - Current leader of the movement. Since most of the population is right handed the left arm may be considered a sign of weakness.... The Sibylix bears great resemblance to the Catholic Crucifix, with two MINOR changes. A little happy face at the top and two legs dangling from the bottom. Squared happy face - Symbolizes that one can be happy even if a dullard as long as it's among your own kind. The increased size of a square happy face compared to the normal round one symbolizes extraordinary brain power.. Personally, us here in the Spamian/Discordian Society believe it has a double meaning... one of which being highly inflated egos. Two Dangling legs - Gripping nothing more than air, Sibylism has no foundation as it's plagued with total chaos... The chaos is masked so much and the brain washing so thorough that no one notices. The Ten Commandments of Sibylism 10. Thou shalt fall in love with the Sibyl and be nonchalantly dumped the day before your scheduled date, from that point on you will refer to Sibyl as a bitch (behind her back of course.) 9. Thou shalt become suicidal annually and dump on the Sibyl, this softens the current one up for the "takeover" 8. Thou shalt keep the seat up while peeing 7. Thou shalt worship Buddha, for he is green and the Sibyl likes green. 6. Thou shalt not tell the Sibyl of the Cult which functions around her. For the minutes of brainwashing to erase this stuff would have been wasted (Brainwashing does not come cheap this day and age!) 5. Thou shalt use windows and NDOS as MS-DOS is Chaotic. 4. Thou shalt keep small animals in jars of alcohol to further stress/gross out the Sibyl. 3. Thou shalt use green to type as that is Sibyl's color and it will anger her. 2. This is the second commandment, the second commandment this is. ...And the Number one Commandment... 1. THERE ISN'T ONE!!! ...just kidding... 1. Thou shalt call the Sibyl an airhead to her face, for this corresponds with article 13, section 4.5, paragraph 2, sentence 3, words 1-6 - 9-15, in alphabetical order. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bone-Bite Inget with the Spamian prayer of the month: Oh almighty spam, great lord over everything, your power astonishes us, your ability to control the minds of us people is phenomenal. Teach us, oh great one, your ways, those so mysterious, that we might mold ourselves more like unto you. Give us the strength to tread on, even whilst cabbages, such as Killer, plague our very steps. Enlighten us with but a small portion of your infinite wisdom, oh mighty one, that we might better follow as you would have us. Bestow upon us the chaoticism as is necessary for your work, even more if it is your will, and the vitality to see it through. Oh marvelous one, we, who are so inferior to you wish nothing but to offer to you praises, to sing the great songs of your glory, of crushing those against you. We only wish to aid in your battle, and thusly give our lives to you, that you may do as you wish, oh stalward one. The power, we need, to destroy the heretic cabbages, give us NOW, oh great lord. Allow us to proceed with our extermination of the cabbages, and send us, lord....a great device, which detects the infiltrating cabbage slime, AND annihilates them. All hail Spam, all hail Eris, all hail Discordia! All hail Spam, all hail Eris, all hail Discordia! All hail Spam, all hail Eris, all hail Discordia! ---------------------------------------------------------------- "EXORCISM OF A CABBAGE" Report By: DEICIDE The phone call came at 12 noon, disturbing my sleep. She was frantic, going on and on about her son. I was able to make out something about her son worshipping some God of Chaos "Eric." Immediately I devised that her son's body was occupied by a cabbage, but I didn't tell her, not yet... I took down her address, and said in a dazed tone "I'll be right over!" I removed the patch from my arm replaced it with another and shut off the multi-colored ceiling fan. On my way out I put on my black trench coat, mirrored sun glasses and threw some alka-seltzer to the pigeons. Upon my arrival, I grabbed the Principia and stepped from the Volkswagon my vehicle into the middle of the avenue where I was attracted by many quick moving turtles. As the turtles would run by they would scream taunts like "FREAK!", "ASSHOLE", "GET OFF OF THE ROAD, YOU GOT A DEATHWISH OR SOMETHING!!" I was not evidently welcome among the turtles, but yet I yearned to be friends with them, to ride upon their majestic backs and caress their smooth shells... BUT, that is not the subject at hand... the boy.. must be saved.. I took flight from the avenue, landing face first on the Mirtz's front door step... Blood Streaming down my face, I rang the front door bell.. Ethyl "My God your hurt what happened to your head", "A mere flesh wound", Extending my hand "Cole Slaw, Slayer of Cabbage, at your service ma'am." Trailing blood across the floor I headed toward the kitchen. As I opened the Opening the refridgerator I found myself staring into the maw of the nastiest, meanest, ugliest, etc.. etc.. cabbage I had ever seen! It's eyes glowing and mouth drooling, it called me by name "Father Impala, I've waited two long hours for you to arrive.. I shall enjoy this" "Enjoy what? And please stop drooling on this nice woman's floor." "I shall enjoy mutilating you, cell by cell." "That could be very time consuming." "Organ by Organ?" "That might work, but may I suggest limb by limb?" "Very well, let's get this over with..." "However, I failed to mention, I am an exercisor of cabbi!!" and with that I started my aerobics routine. I began with 5 minutes of low impact, then went into some vigorous workout routines, after 2 minutes of that the cabbage was sufficiently subdued. I could not get any information from the cabbage (Not surprising, they are EXTREMELY stubborn), so doing my very best Jordon imitation I leaped into the air ready to slam the cabbage into the garbage disposal, but caught my hair in the fan and landed on my chin, nearly severing my tounge. SOMEHOW the cabbage landed in the disposal, and Ethyl flipped it on, "Coleslaw." She handed me a pepsi and I asked in a demanding tone "Where's Junior?" She pointed to the second level of the house. As evidenced by previous events today, I felt my flying ability was somewhat hampered by the "Metaphysical Transgravitational Pull Of The Earth's Molten Core On My Reeboks" or "MTPOTEMCOMR" for short. I decided to use the stairs, only to realize as I arrived at the foot that... And now for this NBC Newsbrief... RICH BI-SEXUAL FOUND DEAD IN NEARBY POOL And now back to our story... they were carpeted! At the top of the stairs stood a child not more than 8, he was a pale green, and his hair had been replaced by leaves of cabbage.. I walked towards him slowly, luring him towards me with a "Nestle's Crunch Bar(tm)." As the child reached out to grab it, I tripped him down the stairs, his neck broken two or three ways the cabbage was dead and so was he. I rejoiced and popped open a SPAM, the mother cried and called me a "murderer." "I did what had to be done, and nothing more. Can I have my money now?" "NO!" "Sure?" "YES!" "Please?" "NO!" "Pretty Please" "NO! NO!" "Pretty Please with Sugar on top?" "NO! YOU KILLED MY SON!" "Bitch." -=- How Spam Gave Me The Power of Foresight By: Guybrush Threepwood I was sitting in school during a party for the class. One of the people there brought a meat substance that I was not familiar with. When it was extracted from the can a strange oozing juice rolled down it's sides. I asked what the meat substance was nd was told...SPAM. I was reluctant at first to taste it, but everyone else was. The person serving the SPAM cut a thin square piece and slid it onto a cracker. I took it very slowly as not to let the SPAM slide off of the cracker. I...um....I ate it. And to my surprise.... it was good. It was more than good. It was great. I ate more and more until it was all gone. When we were all done eating, the person who brought the SPAM took the can and hammered it out into a flat piece of metal. He proceeded to wear it upon his neck. I left the party and was feeling strange. I didn't know it but the SPAM was giving me some strange powers. I had the power of foresight. I was talking on the phone and my friend said to hold. When he came back I told him who it was, I didn't even know that person. I must talk to the Episkapose tomorrow and get some advice on who my newfound powers can be used to the good of the Spamian Movement. --==---- NEXT ISSUE WILL HAVE 3 VERSIONS AND MUCH MORE ! LOOK FOR IT!